


You Made Me Better

by WordMusician



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/M, This is what happens when I write when I'm tired, nothing is ever easy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 04:05:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15721617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WordMusician/pseuds/WordMusician
Summary: The TARDIS has taken away the Doctor and Donna for good.  It's a new life for him and a repeat for her.  Can they do it?





	You Made Me Better

**Author's Note:**

> So much was said/done on the beach and it was far from the happily ever after we all know the darlings deserve. The guarded stares between the two that are left behind is the inspiration for this.
> 
> I own nothing of DW except an enduring affection and admiration.

“I can’t do this again. He doesn’t understand,” Rose muttered. She pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes, pushing back the tears, stuffing it all way down.

“What don’t I understand Rose, or were you talking about the other me?” Somehow going forward they were going to have to address the naming conventions and pronouns or simple conversation was going be nutters. He dropped into the chair beside her, twisting around for a better look. His fingers twitched to push her hair back off her face, to pull her hands down and hold them tightly. He needed Rose to be his anchor or surely he would fly off this spinning rock.

Her shoulders rose and fell in a defeated shrug. “I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. All I know is that...I can’t...I’m tired. That’s all it is.” She straightened suddenly and pasted on a tight smile that reminded him of his previous self. It was a mask he knew intimately and it hurt his heart to see how well she wore it.

“Rose...”

“I’m knackered.” Her swift movements as she stood and gathered up their dirty cups contradicted her words. “I’m going to have a shower and then I’m going to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.”

“Rose...”

She paused but her gaze stayed fixed on a point just past his right ear. “Turn off the lights when you come up. ‘Night.”

He stared at the empty doorway. His better than average hearing followed her down the hall and up the stairs. In his imagination he heard her open and close her bedroom door. Did she set the lock too? A rush of anger flushed his face and he hit the table with an impotent fist. What a bloody mess! Rose had barely spoken four words no, six words since they’d headed for London and the Tyler Estate. Jackie and Pete had hovered over them for absolutely ages and now, when they’d finally had some time alone, time to really talk, she’d run away. He wanted to smash something but he didn’t want to wake the household or damage his welcome. He hated this feeling of dependence. He hated how needy he felt. Look how far the mighty time lord had fallen!

Jerkily he pulled back on his suit jacket. After a cursory examination of the alarm system, it was disabled and he was out the door. He breathed deeply of the crisp night air, automatically cataloguing the air borne scents: yew tree, petrol, oil, dew-damp grass and fertilizer. There was also a higher tang of ozone, but perhaps that would subside now that the stars had returned and everything was settling back into order.

He ruffled his hair in frustration before jamming his hands deep into his pockets and starting out across the pea gravel drive. Order. Routine. Purpose. What was his to be now? Everything had changed. The wonder of possibility seemed more like a landmine field of disaster and he wasn’t confident about navigating.

Despite the promising bit of coral in his pocket, he keenly missed his TARDIS, his companion, his champion, his bloody FRIEND. His head ached with the silence of breaking their telepathic link. Morosely he decided he now carried about the Void between his ears and there was precious little that could fill it. Despite Donna’s clever idea how to accelerate the baby’s growth, it would be nearly a year before it was sentient. And that was if it could survive in Pete’s World at all. Oh his old ship could be meddlesome and downright difficult, but she had been the one true constant in his convoluted life. The TARDIS was home and the last link with his kind and his past. Now that compass was gone. 

Tonight he felt rudderless and very much alone. He missed feeling the flow of time, the currents and eddies always dancing on the edge of his awareness. Now, moth-like flutters of panic beat at the edge of his consciousness instead. Instead of the orbital songs of the universe he heard the pound of his own blood in his ears. One heart pumping. One life to live. One shot and it looked like they bollixed that up before he even had a chance.

“Gods!” he whispered in the dark. He knew it had happened too fast, that Rose had been rushed, pushed and ram-rodded into this situation. But they’d had to rush for Donna’s sake. Doctor Donna was a roman candle too fast burning out... He scrubbed his hands over his face and surprised himself with the friction of 5 o’clock shadow. Yet despite all his time lord superior biology and his retaining of their beloved TARDIS, he could not envy his other self. Condemned to save Donna by erasing all memory of his self and all that she had accomplished... How was he ever going to live with that?

Oh, and he didn’t want to even think about the cost to his soul and mental health to walk away from Rose! No wonder they hadn’t hung around after he’d told the truth and Rose had pulled his face to hers. He almost felt guilty for the memory of those blissful seconds. “Bloody hell!”

His wandering feet took him across the side lawn to a terraced garden that sloped away from the mansion. The spicy scent of chrysanthemums mingled with the musk of decaying leaves. It was autumn. The glory of summer was gone and he wondered if the glory was gone from him as well.

With a heavy sigh, he looked up at the starry sky. The moon had set. For awhile he distracted himself with charting the astronomical changes that came with this parallel world. When stranded in a strange land it was always wise to reconnoiter and get ones bearings.

“Hey.”

Automatically he stretched out his hand towards her, hoping she would still take it. Her hand slipped into his and she came to stand beside him. She smelled of soap and shampoo. “Hey,” he replied softly.

“I noticed you didn’t come up.”

“No.” They stood together silently. “I thought you were tired, you were going to bed.”

“Yeah.” Rose shifted uneasily. “Doctor...”

“Rose, look I’m sorry. I’m sorry you got dumped back here and that there was no time for proper explanations. I’m sorry I got shot. I’m sorry I’m such a monumental git and that I broke your heart – again.” He swung around to peer at her in the gloom, wishing enhanced eyesight was still his. “But understand this: I am not sorry that I am here and he isn’t. If I had to exist at all, well...” His voice tapered off as his emotions got the better of him. Dammit Bad Wolf, you could see all of time and space. You had all the power of the Time Vortex. Why didn’t you fix this before we got this far? What the bloody hell are you playing at?

“I’m not the same shop girl whose hand you grabbed and told to run. I’m not even the same girl who couldn’t hold onto that dumb lever. I know we all change in life, but Doctor I’ve seen things... I’ve DONE things...” Rose huffed out a breath. “He said you needed me like he had. That I had made him better and I could do that again with you.” Her hand squeezed his before pulling free. “I don’t think I can.”

Before she drifted away, he captured her shoulders but resisted pulling her close. “Rose, I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through these years we’ve been apart. When I consider what you must have had to endure just to cross the Void, it makes me sick and at the same time terribly proud. I know you’re different, how could you not be?”

He heard her suck in a deep breath. “Am I too different, do you think?”

Her question gave him hope. If she was at least asking then there was room for assurances. Maybe it wasn’t as dark as he feared. “No, Rose. As different as you are, you’re still you. I’m still... I love you. Then, now and always.” Under his hands he felt her tremble and this time he did pull her in to his chest. He was careful to hold her gently but securely. After a couple of anxious heartbeats, her arms wrapped around his waist and for the first time since the beach he felt the world steadying beneath his feet.

“After all I did, he just brought me back,” the catch in her voice broke his heart afresh. 

Not for the first time in his short life, he cursed his own genesis. And yet he knew the demons that the Doctor ran from. He knew perfectly well why their love was forbidden. He’d started to explain it to her that night after meeting up with Sarah Jane but he’d been afraid to confess the truth. It was impossible for the Doctor to be reconciled to Rose’s relatively short life. He could not watch her wither and die and keep his sanity. He could not allow the truth to be reality.

“I’m so, so sorry,” he whispered. He wished she would cry, that she would weep and wail and unload the weight of her pain, but she didn’t. Rose stood very still, leaning only slightly against him. There were walls here; walls and scars and the kind of deep fears that come with terrible loss. Suddenly the compassion that came from the part of him which was Donna gave him precious insight.

“I believe in you, Rose Tyler. You and me – we’re both battle scarred and war weary. We can understand each other. I believe that understanding will bring healing...in time.” He kissed the top of her head. “You made me better back then, but this time around I believe we will make each other better."

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to add a bit of Donna's traits to the Doctor's without making it too obvious. Did I succeed?


End file.
